I Strive To Lead...

By following and believing.

I have been in conflict with myself for the past couple of weeks again. I am unsure as to what I must do, and what I want...I dont even know what I want anymore. I believe in the gospel, and I believe the principles taught are from god. But my heart stirrest not, I truthfully only feel the "growth" in my heart as spoken of in Alma 32 when I sing the hymns. My faith that I will eventually feel this growth again is unwaivering mind you...Im just at a point where I am doubting my efforts. As if I am going about it the wrong way. I read and I ponder. I think of how I should perform the things people have done asking for repentance. How I should go about...gaining a knowledge that I have been forgiven and am once again counted among his faithful servants.

I try to share my beliefs with others that I talk with...and I stumble. I cant speak the words I mean to. This is how I have been most always when speaking to others about things that are a big part of my life. And yet people say I am a great teacher, a great philosophizer, an outstanding man all around.

Here I am...a man of sin, trying to find the way back to the straight and narrow. Doubt and Sorrow are my constant companions. Where will my suffering end? Where will I gain the surity of a great life to come?

I move to change my surroundings, in hopes of removing the doubt and the sorrow...and the reminders. To replace them with Happiness and Hope. And reminders of not what I had done wrong, but what I am doing right. I will miss those who scorn me for my choice, and I will love them forever. But if they so happen to scorn me...I accept they were the problem. I hope those who I bid farewell, will understand and be supportive.