Pain

My heart...it has been in constant pain, for countless weeks...and before it mended the first time, the time is numbered in years.

I am once again recording my sorrows, yes once again. I am not over looking my blessings though, I know I am blessed. But my emotions...I have never been great at controlling them. Ive mastered my anger at least. That I was determined would never surface unless necessary. Now I must master not my love, but my jealousy. Every time I hear or read about how a loved one from my past is doing well...I am happy for them, dont get me wrong. But my jealousy spikes, and I wonder... am I merely a stepping stone to happiness? When will the comfort of having someone by my side always...finally grace me? Almost all of the women I have dated are married... or at least, living life to the fullest and show only signs of complete happiness

More than once...I thought I found someone who I could spend the rest of eternity with. But for whatever reason, I wasn't what they were looking for.

Today was opening night basically for the "Green" cast, for My Fair Lady. Dancing the waltz again, on that stage, reminded me again of Cinderella. The joy I felt while doing that show, was unimaginable. For I thought all things were falling into place. Then Cinderella came to an end...and only my family and one other friend came to see me in my first play ever. It tore me apart knowing...out of 236 friends, only a few cared enough to come. (Erin I don't count you in that group, I know you were busy and I understood)

Nevertheless what I wanted to record, was not the events of the past. Today was Red Cast's day off and time to recuperate and prepare for opening day tomorrow. Yet a few came today and sat among the crowd. One in particular, I have been talking with quite a lot recently. She even told me that she wouldn't be coming, that she was excited for this night off. She came and afterwards gave me a big hug and said...even though I know you messed up in (lists off all the parts I goofed up) you were awesome! Thats where I hugged her thanked her and said goodnight, due to me being late for work I said. The reason was not that mind you (although I was late for work), by the time I got around the corner and heading for the dressing room...I started to tear up. Once again my emotions overpowering my will. I changed and went to my car before anyone came back from biding the audience farewell. I sat in my car for a couple of minutes and wondered why my heart chose to feel now...rather than when I wanted, no needed it to? I was not over come by joy or happiness that this young lady came to see us. I was overcome by grief, that a friend I made is an honest and true friend...

sigh...I reread that and it was kinda scatter brained. Oh well I don't want to reword it, its how my brain was thinking and what i was feeling.

The thought that comes to my mind now...how long do I endure heart ache? How long must I remain strong so I wont hurt others? How much love must I give out, before it is returned? I hope my pains will subside, and I can be who I am meant to be. I realize that my character makes for an amazing friend, and I don't say that to boast. I say it because its true, I care greatly for all those I associate with. But my character makes for a not AS amazing companion. And in that I am destined for heart ache. In that I also find comfort, for with my character, I am most happy when I am making others happy. I know I will be married in the temple, and I know my wife will be the sweetest of people. Its enduring till that time where I am in the temple with her hand in mine. Hope is all I have...and I've been told Hope is all I will need.
We shall see.