I have realized, despite all my advances last year. The finally getting out of my lazy rut, going out on dates...being social. I am back to were I was. Im apathetic about hanging out with people, I dont want to get out of bed, I've stopped working out AGAIN...
It surprises me...that girls will go with me for so long. Even despite my horrible habits. My laziness and apathy towards all things. My distinct lack of hygiene. Ill admit, when I ask a girl on a date I look my best and treat myself the way I should. Eventually though, I get too used to them and I dont feel like I need to look my best anymore. Or take care of myself the way I should.
If only half of the people knew what was going through my mind at any given point...I'm sure they would be surprised. Id like to think I portray myself better than what my thoughts are thinking. Which I do, because I am still a loved member of society. But the point is...My worst enemy isn't something tangable, or spiritual even. It is me...me, myself, and I.
The war with myself is never ending. I am almost 24/7 trying to beat back the side that would like to go to the bar with some highschool buddies. The side that thinks such vulgar thoughts, I shudder...quite literally shudder. And shake my head in attempts to get the images/thoughts out of my head. I am repulsed...by myself, more often than I am by others actions.
My meeting with the bishop today, was more of me talking than him this time. I discussed some of my fears of the upcoming days. My goals and how I had decided to change some. Most of all I just blabbed about the afformentioned. But as I expected he didn't give me answers. I didn't expect it, but I hoped hed give me a hint at what I could do to battle my evil side more effectively.
What best to battle evil? The light within. There is oppostition in all things. And why should I be any different? So in a sense the bishop did give me an answer, but not in the aspect I had wanted. In my laziness, I had wanted the answer to just be given to me...me change what needed to be changed and be done with it. But that in itself is where the problem festers. I need to find things out on my own...take the initiative. Just by saying, "I dont have an answer, but heres something to ponder..." the bishop gave me the answer. I may be pondering things, and I may be praying...but I wasn't doing it in the manner I needed to be.
Think about that for a second...
What could possibly be the difference between what I was doing then, and what I need to be doing?
There is no difference other than intent. I talked about this in an earlier blog...Sincerety. Crying unto the lord. Not just with a plea for help, but a solution that you've thought of. More often than not, the solution you thought over will be the right one. But if not sanctioned by the lord, its likeliness of success is greatly hindered.
As sons and daughters of god, Our thoughts are prone to think great and wonderous things. And we are destined to do those things. Why should we not be able to solve our own problems? Because we can, but with opposition in all things...we falter and so we need a guiding hand. Hence the sanctioning of the lord. Our plans may be ripe for success, but if we neglect to include our lord, we are more likely to stray and have our plans altered through temptation.
Lend a hand when able, Smile all the while. For if you smile, so shall we all. For smiles are what pass on that warm and loving glow from person to person. And if we are all smiling, grief hath no hold on our hearts.
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